No names. Just opinions.

I've known you all my life and you still amuse me. Sometimes I like you, sometimes I don't. It's confusing, like you.

You gave me the worst time of my life. I used to feel a little jealous for you, but now it's over cause I realized that my life is better than yours. Sex, drugs.. you erased innocence from my head. Hate is a strong word, but I do hate you.

The one thing I regret happened thanks to you. Looking back, I realize that I never did love you. I feel full of shame everytime I think of you.

You were the start of a new begining. We cried together for lost lovers, and you can never imagine how much I appreciate the fact that you never judge a word of what I say. And eventhough we rarely see eachother, I'll always love you.

You introduced me to a side of myself that I never knew existed. I got the biggest crush on you I have ever had, but as soon as I talked to you, it vanished. Too much of an asshole I guess.

A lot of emotions: love, hope, dislike.. I'd rather not think of you.

Do you ever think of reading what I tell you on msn and maybe then you'll notice that I don't like talking to you?

I don't have the courage to tell you that I feel emberassed everytime I kiss you.

You give me mixed feelings. You're a very good friend of mine, but I don't know if I should trust you. You treat me as if I'm some kind of an idol for you, and that confuses me. I like our long phone conversations and drool together whenever we think of apple delight.

I recently discovered that you have a soft-spot for me, and that scared the shit out of me.

I don't trust you... at all.

You make me puke. It's funny how people change and become worse.. you're the best example.

Whore. I pity you for liking the fact that you're a whore.

I'm glad it happened. I was falling in love with you, and finding out you're the total opposite of what I had imagined, opened my eyes and closed my heart.

I never liked you.

I don't like you character or mental wise, but I like our late night conversations.

You used me. Hilarious.

You've got a big mouth and you're a pervert, but I love you.

Till this day I can't figure out why you've tried so hard to destroy my life, but I guess that you noticed that no one likes you, so you gave up.

I miss you.

I got a job.

And yes, finally I got a job.
It's a trial for 10 weeks, and for those 10 weeks, the wage is shit.
And it's also a boring job.
It's in a confectionary and I'm behind the counter.
But in 4hrs, like only 5 people come to buy.
Ultra-boring.
Hooray.
And if I do good in these 10 weeks, I'll get the job as a full-timer, and the wage will get better =D
So I can cross out another thing from the to do list for 2009.
The only remaining is studying and I really need to start cause the MatSec exams will start late next month, and I want to do something good out of it.

Now, back to the wage.
I was thinking about buying a laptop, and save for driving lessons and buying a piece of car.
But I want to save for something more... exciting.
Freedom.
I dream of freedom everyday.
But dunno.
I can't save to go around the world, cause a lifetime wouldn't be enough.
Then what?
This needs a lot of thinking.
I think the answer will come to me when I least expect it.

Assholes.

I've realized that people are truly assholes.
So on Saturday I was with my friends, and all of us were a little drunk.
And we were walking and this guy behind us was saying stupid stuff.
So I looked at him and when I turned back, he hit in on my head/hat.
And I sent him off.
And he hit me harder and my hat fell and he was going to beat me up, but his friends were holding him and telling him that I'm a girl -__-

It's stupid, cause he talked shit, and did stuff, but cause I showed him I wasn't afraid of him, he tried to beat me up.

Indifference

Today I met my friends and there was a lot of drama.
Cause a friend of mine told another one that she looks like a whore.
The funny thing is that she's not like that at all.
But this guy is always like this.
He tells people they're fat and ugly.
Anyways.. after some time the whore started screaming at him, and everyone joined. And then she started crying.
And I told him "Look at her and see what an asshole you are." But I don't think he even listened to me. -__-
And another friend of mine told me to give him another chance.
But it's over.
I've been listening to the same crap from him for the past year. And now he made someone cry, so it's worse than ever.
I don't hate him or anything, it's just that my indifference is climax regarding him.

Now I need that same indifference for my parents.
They're also full of shit.
My mom always talks shit to me and my dad.
And my dad "jokes" a lot. Like his jokes last for about 5 minutes ie. not funny.
I'm their failure.
I abonded school 2 times in a year.
And that cameraperson course... I stopped it. Cause I've done everything but use a camera o.0
So I'm failure. They never said so. But I feel like that, and obviously they do too.
But I guess it's in the blood.
The both of them are failures too.
But today I sent 2 cvs for a night receptionist.
I'm dying for a job.
Soon [november] I'll be 18 and I want to buy a jeep and rent an apartment.
It's scary being 18. All those adult problems will soon come to life.
And I'm also thinking about leaving my country forever. Maybe go to England or Italy? Dunno.

Am I still in the womb?

Do you ever get the feeling that you're living for nothing?
That all the things you do are going to waste because that's not what you're supposed to be doing?
I've been feeling like this for the last couple of days.
I know I'm only 17 years old, and that I can change all that waste, but the problem is that I don't know what I want to do.
I've started the cameraperson course, something that I've been wanting for years, but I feel almost frightened.
I don't think that it's what I want.
I don't think that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with a heavy camera on my shoulder.
And it frightens me.
It frightens me the fact that I've wanted this for a lot of time, and now that I've gotten it, I don't want it anymore.
And I don't know what else I want, either.
I don't know what I'm going to do to get money to survive.
All I know is that I want to get away from this house and from this country.
I'm literally suffocating here.
It's getting too old and everyday is the same.
I want to get away; see the world and find a new home.
And then find a place where I can run away to when things get bad.

And when I think about the things I've achieved, the things that make me proud..
Nothing.
I can't think of something.
I don't care if I never repeated a year at school, or if I never got suspended.
School was never my thing. It was my mom's.
And I don't want to make her proud. It's my thing, so I should be proud.
Though she's forgotten what proudness [?] is about, since I've dumped school 2 times in a year.
School? That's it?
All I did in my life was go to school and not actually care that I got satisfying grades?
Wonderful.
It scares me.
What if I do nothing in my life that would be rewarding?
Where will I end?

It's getting out of control.



Additional Notes:

- I need to study.
- I need to exercise.
- I need to stop eating just because I feel bored.
- I want a girl back. We spent like 3 weeks together last November, and now I want her back. But I think she has a girl-friend. So I was thinking of texting her next week, saying don't know what, and if she's unavailable, fuck it. I would deserve it anyways.

Long time.

It's been long since the last time I wrote on here.
But not much happened.

1. The friend I mentioned in the last post; we're good now =D
2. Yesterday I bought a black acoustic guitar and named her Susanna. But I don't know shit.
3. Next Saturday I have a meeting of the camera-person course.. finally =]

Apart from that, I'm spending most of my time searching Indie Music.
The funny thing?
Here's the conversation me and the shop owner of the guitar had:
Me: Is it good for Indie music?
Him: Indie? o.0
Me: Folk..
Him: Like at the church?
Me: -____________-'
End.
How can you have a music shop and not know what Indie music is?
Yes.
As you can see, I'm getting a little obsessed over Indie.
I've also thought about opening an Indie Record Shop :]

Ok. Enough said.
Here's a picture of Susanna.

An act?

What do people think of me?
How am I in their eyes?
Tough.
I look tough, and I want it that way.
I never knew I was succeeding in it though.
I break myself so others can't.
I tell others that I love and respect myself.
That I'm sane.
That I care about nothing at all. [Though it's true... just 70%]
That I believe in myself.
That I'm strong willed.

But really, I don't love and respect myself.
I think that I'm insane. Mentally ill actually. For real.
I care about what people think about me. About what others are going through. About a lot of things actually.
I don't believe in myself at all.
And I'm weak and sensitive.

But it's good fooling people.
So when one day we'll have a huge fight that will cause our friendship to collapse, they can tell me nothing that will seriously bring me down.
And for that, I have to stop trusting people and opening myself to others.
Cause my close friends, or those that were till a few weeks ago, know the real me.
But I won't make the same mistake with the next bestfriends I'll have.
But I don't think that that'll be soon.
I'm planning my life for the next months to be:

1. Studying.
2. Going to the camera-person course.
3. Working. [Though I still have to find a job]
4. Reading.
5. Revising a story that I wrote about 2years ago.

Yeah, being a kind of loner I guess. Not that I mind, but I guess everyone needs some type of company sometimes.

Careless

I don't give a damn about them.
And they do neither give a damn about me.

Society

I hate society.
I'm not able to socialize.
I don't want to. People are too... woah. Too many negative adjectives to explain what people are.
Apart from the fact that I kind of think that I'm not good enough to be around them. Something like that.
And another sad thing?
From all the friends I have, there's only 1 person whom I don't feel shy doing a 1-to-1-conversation.
But, these last days I've noticed that we're not the same anymore, and I doubt we'll soon be again.
I had 2 other friends like that, [not shy when alone] but I don't see them a lot, so I end up feeling shy around them too when I see them. Plus that I can't trust 1 of them either.
I have a lot of those "Hi. Ok? Bye." friends, though lately I just smile at them cause most people are getting blah.
People are so complicated. They lie. Cheat.
That's too much for me.
I feel so lonely with no friends.
I trying being independent and mature, but I'm too sensitive for that, though I'm working for that too.
And another sad thing?
Whenever that 1 person doesn't go out, I usually don't either, cause when I do, no one really talks to me. Everyone's busy talking to their partner or their other friends. And I just walk alone, with my mobile pretending that I'm writing a message or something so that I don't look so weird.
Sometimes I sit there, noticing how people act, talk and the looks they make, and I wonder "Who are they? Were they always this difficult to understand? And so stiff? And everything?"

2 years ago, I fought with the best friend I had.
That stuck up blonde that thought she was so perfect because she was tall, yellow hair and big huge boobs.
She once told me that guys go out with me cause I have a nice character. And guess why they go out with her? Yes. Because she's pretty. That's what she said.
So yes, I had to fight with her cause she was breaking to pieces the little self-esteem I had left.
I think it's the bravest thing I've done in my entire life. Fighting with her I mean.
I had no other friends, cause I didn't want to like cheat on her.
So I ended up at home all summer.
And I swore that I would socialize more, so I would never end up like that again.
But, maybe the problem is that I'm growing wiser.
I can't trust anyone. NO ONE.
People don't have good intentions.
I don't know if I want too much from people or I just want what's mine.

I'm done.
I wasted a blog to write about something stupid.

Twilight

Today I saw Twilight; a movie that I wasn't really keen to see, and when my friends told me that we were going to watch it, I was like hoo fuckin ray.
But it turned out to be beautiful =0
I'm amazed myself, cause I don't really like vampires.
But this one.. oolalaaa
I wish I could find the kind of passion in a person the guy down here [Edward in the movie] has.
I mean I know it's just a movie, but still.
Movies really effect me.

I like no one.

These past few days:
I like no one that's part of my life right now.
Mostly my friends.
I haven't seen my best-friend for over a month.
And me and my other close friend... well, we're falling drastically apart.
The time when I had someone to confide in when I needed and had a shoulder to cry on when I wanted, finished.
Everyone disappeared. And it's not their fault.
I've become a loner, and for the first time in my life, I like it.
But at the same time, I hate that I like it.

I also haven't cried in a couple of days.
I force myself not to do so, and it's pretty hard when tears are rolling down and I want to stop crying.
And 2 tear-drops is all I get.
That's all I afford.
I don't want to be that overly-sensitive girl anymore.
It shows weakness. Something that I want to hide cause around others I have that tough attitude.
And if I want to be good in hiding it, I want to hide it around myself too.
But I wasn't always like this. This sensitive.
It started a couple of months ago, and I don't know why.
I hate it, and I'm actually doing something about it.

As regarding to the other resolutions?
I've almost done nothing of them.
I didn't start studying yet.
And I searched for a job in just one shop.
Blah.

But on the other hand, I'm spending a lot of time reading cause I've got 3 books to read and I really feel good about that. =]

Beauty is skin deep.

Some months ago, I saw this guy at school.
First, I got obsessed with his nose.
Weird I know.
But I've got something with guys' nose.
Then, the more I looked at him, I realised something.
His beauty is skin deep.

Today, I saw this other guy.
21 yrs.
Doesn't know what nationality means.
Doesn't have a telephone or a computer.
But he has 2 beautiful young girls.
And a girl friend.
Love.
That's what it's all about.
And again, the more I think of him, the more I realise that his beauty is skin deep.

No.
I don't like the guys, though they weren't ugly and all.
I'm into girls.
But today I realised something.
I've never seen a girl with that kind of beauty and fire.
Girls are just good for their physical beauty.
They've got nothing else to offer to the world.

One hell of a day.

Today is going to be a long day.
The plan?
1. Go to school and resign.
2. Go to the tattooist to take off my lip piercing.
3. Go to the city to search for a job.
4. Go to the airport to search for a job.
5. Go back to the city and buy a present [ear-rings] for my friend's birthday and a t-shirt for me.

And if no luck, I'll come back to my town and go to the pizzeria that opened here. But first I want to try at a shop or something like that.

Yes. I want to find a job at all costs.

Indifferent

I feel indifferent.
Well, more than usual.
In about 30 minutes I'm going out, and I don't really think that I'm going to take any notice of people.
Just smoking.

And I need to write as well.
But no inspiration.
I hate when that happens.
I feel useless.. more than usual.
Empty.
Sucker.

I'm just a plain sucker.

Wrong-ness

What's wrong with me?
New beggining, but still no sense.

Yesterday, I watched as some of my friends got drunk and cried for their past loves.
And I realized how lonely I feel.
And I silently cried for my past love too.
Lonely.
I was surrounded with like 10 people around me, but I still felt lonely and felt joy in smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka strawberry.
Nothing else.
What's my problem?

And I hate everything I've become.