Am I still in the womb?

Do you ever get the feeling that you're living for nothing?
That all the things you do are going to waste because that's not what you're supposed to be doing?
I've been feeling like this for the last couple of days.
I know I'm only 17 years old, and that I can change all that waste, but the problem is that I don't know what I want to do.
I've started the cameraperson course, something that I've been wanting for years, but I feel almost frightened.
I don't think that it's what I want.
I don't think that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with a heavy camera on my shoulder.
And it frightens me.
It frightens me the fact that I've wanted this for a lot of time, and now that I've gotten it, I don't want it anymore.
And I don't know what else I want, either.
I don't know what I'm going to do to get money to survive.
All I know is that I want to get away from this house and from this country.
I'm literally suffocating here.
It's getting too old and everyday is the same.
I want to get away; see the world and find a new home.
And then find a place where I can run away to when things get bad.

And when I think about the things I've achieved, the things that make me proud..
Nothing.
I can't think of something.
I don't care if I never repeated a year at school, or if I never got suspended.
School was never my thing. It was my mom's.
And I don't want to make her proud. It's my thing, so I should be proud.
Though she's forgotten what proudness [?] is about, since I've dumped school 2 times in a year.
School? That's it?
All I did in my life was go to school and not actually care that I got satisfying grades?
Wonderful.
It scares me.
What if I do nothing in my life that would be rewarding?
Where will I end?

It's getting out of control.



Additional Notes:

- I need to study.
- I need to exercise.
- I need to stop eating just because I feel bored.
- I want a girl back. We spent like 3 weeks together last November, and now I want her back. But I think she has a girl-friend. So I was thinking of texting her next week, saying don't know what, and if she's unavailable, fuck it. I would deserve it anyways.