Indifference

Today I met my friends and there was a lot of drama.
Cause a friend of mine told another one that she looks like a whore.
The funny thing is that she's not like that at all.
But this guy is always like this.
He tells people they're fat and ugly.
Anyways.. after some time the whore started screaming at him, and everyone joined. And then she started crying.
And I told him "Look at her and see what an asshole you are." But I don't think he even listened to me. -__-
And another friend of mine told me to give him another chance.
But it's over.
I've been listening to the same crap from him for the past year. And now he made someone cry, so it's worse than ever.
I don't hate him or anything, it's just that my indifference is climax regarding him.

Now I need that same indifference for my parents.
They're also full of shit.
My mom always talks shit to me and my dad.
And my dad "jokes" a lot. Like his jokes last for about 5 minutes ie. not funny.
I'm their failure.
I abonded school 2 times in a year.
And that cameraperson course... I stopped it. Cause I've done everything but use a camera o.0
So I'm failure. They never said so. But I feel like that, and obviously they do too.
But I guess it's in the blood.
The both of them are failures too.
But today I sent 2 cvs for a night receptionist.
I'm dying for a job.
Soon [november] I'll be 18 and I want to buy a jeep and rent an apartment.
It's scary being 18. All those adult problems will soon come to life.
And I'm also thinking about leaving my country forever. Maybe go to England or Italy? Dunno.

Am I still in the womb?

Do you ever get the feeling that you're living for nothing?
That all the things you do are going to waste because that's not what you're supposed to be doing?
I've been feeling like this for the last couple of days.
I know I'm only 17 years old, and that I can change all that waste, but the problem is that I don't know what I want to do.
I've started the cameraperson course, something that I've been wanting for years, but I feel almost frightened.
I don't think that it's what I want.
I don't think that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with a heavy camera on my shoulder.
And it frightens me.
It frightens me the fact that I've wanted this for a lot of time, and now that I've gotten it, I don't want it anymore.
And I don't know what else I want, either.
I don't know what I'm going to do to get money to survive.
All I know is that I want to get away from this house and from this country.
I'm literally suffocating here.
It's getting too old and everyday is the same.
I want to get away; see the world and find a new home.
And then find a place where I can run away to when things get bad.

And when I think about the things I've achieved, the things that make me proud..
Nothing.
I can't think of something.
I don't care if I never repeated a year at school, or if I never got suspended.
School was never my thing. It was my mom's.
And I don't want to make her proud. It's my thing, so I should be proud.
Though she's forgotten what proudness [?] is about, since I've dumped school 2 times in a year.
School? That's it?
All I did in my life was go to school and not actually care that I got satisfying grades?
Wonderful.
It scares me.
What if I do nothing in my life that would be rewarding?
Where will I end?

It's getting out of control.



Additional Notes:

- I need to study.
- I need to exercise.
- I need to stop eating just because I feel bored.
- I want a girl back. We spent like 3 weeks together last November, and now I want her back. But I think she has a girl-friend. So I was thinking of texting her next week, saying don't know what, and if she's unavailable, fuck it. I would deserve it anyways.

Long time.

It's been long since the last time I wrote on here.
But not much happened.

1. The friend I mentioned in the last post; we're good now =D
2. Yesterday I bought a black acoustic guitar and named her Susanna. But I don't know shit.
3. Next Saturday I have a meeting of the camera-person course.. finally =]

Apart from that, I'm spending most of my time searching Indie Music.
The funny thing?
Here's the conversation me and the shop owner of the guitar had:
Me: Is it good for Indie music?
Him: Indie? o.0
Me: Folk..
Him: Like at the church?
Me: -____________-'
End.
How can you have a music shop and not know what Indie music is?
Yes.
As you can see, I'm getting a little obsessed over Indie.
I've also thought about opening an Indie Record Shop :]

Ok. Enough said.
Here's a picture of Susanna.

An act?

What do people think of me?
How am I in their eyes?
Tough.
I look tough, and I want it that way.
I never knew I was succeeding in it though.
I break myself so others can't.
I tell others that I love and respect myself.
That I'm sane.
That I care about nothing at all. [Though it's true... just 70%]
That I believe in myself.
That I'm strong willed.

But really, I don't love and respect myself.
I think that I'm insane. Mentally ill actually. For real.
I care about what people think about me. About what others are going through. About a lot of things actually.
I don't believe in myself at all.
And I'm weak and sensitive.

But it's good fooling people.
So when one day we'll have a huge fight that will cause our friendship to collapse, they can tell me nothing that will seriously bring me down.
And for that, I have to stop trusting people and opening myself to others.
Cause my close friends, or those that were till a few weeks ago, know the real me.
But I won't make the same mistake with the next bestfriends I'll have.
But I don't think that that'll be soon.
I'm planning my life for the next months to be:

1. Studying.
2. Going to the camera-person course.
3. Working. [Though I still have to find a job]
4. Reading.
5. Revising a story that I wrote about 2years ago.

Yeah, being a kind of loner I guess. Not that I mind, but I guess everyone needs some type of company sometimes.

Careless

I don't give a damn about them.
And they do neither give a damn about me.

Society

I hate society.
I'm not able to socialize.
I don't want to. People are too... woah. Too many negative adjectives to explain what people are.
Apart from the fact that I kind of think that I'm not good enough to be around them. Something like that.
And another sad thing?
From all the friends I have, there's only 1 person whom I don't feel shy doing a 1-to-1-conversation.
But, these last days I've noticed that we're not the same anymore, and I doubt we'll soon be again.
I had 2 other friends like that, [not shy when alone] but I don't see them a lot, so I end up feeling shy around them too when I see them. Plus that I can't trust 1 of them either.
I have a lot of those "Hi. Ok? Bye." friends, though lately I just smile at them cause most people are getting blah.
People are so complicated. They lie. Cheat.
That's too much for me.
I feel so lonely with no friends.
I trying being independent and mature, but I'm too sensitive for that, though I'm working for that too.
And another sad thing?
Whenever that 1 person doesn't go out, I usually don't either, cause when I do, no one really talks to me. Everyone's busy talking to their partner or their other friends. And I just walk alone, with my mobile pretending that I'm writing a message or something so that I don't look so weird.
Sometimes I sit there, noticing how people act, talk and the looks they make, and I wonder "Who are they? Were they always this difficult to understand? And so stiff? And everything?"

2 years ago, I fought with the best friend I had.
That stuck up blonde that thought she was so perfect because she was tall, yellow hair and big huge boobs.
She once told me that guys go out with me cause I have a nice character. And guess why they go out with her? Yes. Because she's pretty. That's what she said.
So yes, I had to fight with her cause she was breaking to pieces the little self-esteem I had left.
I think it's the bravest thing I've done in my entire life. Fighting with her I mean.
I had no other friends, cause I didn't want to like cheat on her.
So I ended up at home all summer.
And I swore that I would socialize more, so I would never end up like that again.
But, maybe the problem is that I'm growing wiser.
I can't trust anyone. NO ONE.
People don't have good intentions.
I don't know if I want too much from people or I just want what's mine.

I'm done.
I wasted a blog to write about something stupid.

Twilight

Today I saw Twilight; a movie that I wasn't really keen to see, and when my friends told me that we were going to watch it, I was like hoo fuckin ray.
But it turned out to be beautiful =0
I'm amazed myself, cause I don't really like vampires.
But this one.. oolalaaa
I wish I could find the kind of passion in a person the guy down here [Edward in the movie] has.
I mean I know it's just a movie, but still.
Movies really effect me.