Indifference

Today I met my friends and there was a lot of drama.
Cause a friend of mine told another one that she looks like a whore.
The funny thing is that she's not like that at all.
But this guy is always like this.
He tells people they're fat and ugly.
Anyways.. after some time the whore started screaming at him, and everyone joined. And then she started crying.
And I told him "Look at her and see what an asshole you are." But I don't think he even listened to me. -__-
And another friend of mine told me to give him another chance.
But it's over.
I've been listening to the same crap from him for the past year. And now he made someone cry, so it's worse than ever.
I don't hate him or anything, it's just that my indifference is climax regarding him.

Now I need that same indifference for my parents.
They're also full of shit.
My mom always talks shit to me and my dad.
And my dad "jokes" a lot. Like his jokes last for about 5 minutes ie. not funny.
I'm their failure.
I abonded school 2 times in a year.
And that cameraperson course... I stopped it. Cause I've done everything but use a camera o.0
So I'm failure. They never said so. But I feel like that, and obviously they do too.
But I guess it's in the blood.
The both of them are failures too.
But today I sent 2 cvs for a night receptionist.
I'm dying for a job.
Soon [november] I'll be 18 and I want to buy a jeep and rent an apartment.
It's scary being 18. All those adult problems will soon come to life.
And I'm also thinking about leaving my country forever. Maybe go to England or Italy? Dunno.

Am I still in the womb?

Do you ever get the feeling that you're living for nothing?
That all the things you do are going to waste because that's not what you're supposed to be doing?
I've been feeling like this for the last couple of days.
I know I'm only 17 years old, and that I can change all that waste, but the problem is that I don't know what I want to do.
I've started the cameraperson course, something that I've been wanting for years, but I feel almost frightened.
I don't think that it's what I want.
I don't think that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with a heavy camera on my shoulder.
And it frightens me.
It frightens me the fact that I've wanted this for a lot of time, and now that I've gotten it, I don't want it anymore.
And I don't know what else I want, either.
I don't know what I'm going to do to get money to survive.
All I know is that I want to get away from this house and from this country.
I'm literally suffocating here.
It's getting too old and everyday is the same.
I want to get away; see the world and find a new home.
And then find a place where I can run away to when things get bad.

And when I think about the things I've achieved, the things that make me proud..
Nothing.
I can't think of something.
I don't care if I never repeated a year at school, or if I never got suspended.
School was never my thing. It was my mom's.
And I don't want to make her proud. It's my thing, so I should be proud.
Though she's forgotten what proudness [?] is about, since I've dumped school 2 times in a year.
School? That's it?
All I did in my life was go to school and not actually care that I got satisfying grades?
Wonderful.
It scares me.
What if I do nothing in my life that would be rewarding?
Where will I end?

It's getting out of control.



Additional Notes:

- I need to study.
- I need to exercise.
- I need to stop eating just because I feel bored.
- I want a girl back. We spent like 3 weeks together last November, and now I want her back. But I think she has a girl-friend. So I was thinking of texting her next week, saying don't know what, and if she's unavailable, fuck it. I would deserve it anyways.

Long time.

It's been long since the last time I wrote on here.
But not much happened.

1. The friend I mentioned in the last post; we're good now =D
2. Yesterday I bought a black acoustic guitar and named her Susanna. But I don't know shit.
3. Next Saturday I have a meeting of the camera-person course.. finally =]

Apart from that, I'm spending most of my time searching Indie Music.
The funny thing?
Here's the conversation me and the shop owner of the guitar had:
Me: Is it good for Indie music?
Him: Indie? o.0
Me: Folk..
Him: Like at the church?
Me: -____________-'
End.
How can you have a music shop and not know what Indie music is?
Yes.
As you can see, I'm getting a little obsessed over Indie.
I've also thought about opening an Indie Record Shop :]

Ok. Enough said.
Here's a picture of Susanna.