An act?

What do people think of me?
How am I in their eyes?
Tough.
I look tough, and I want it that way.
I never knew I was succeeding in it though.
I break myself so others can't.
I tell others that I love and respect myself.
That I'm sane.
That I care about nothing at all. [Though it's true... just 70%]
That I believe in myself.
That I'm strong willed.

But really, I don't love and respect myself.
I think that I'm insane. Mentally ill actually. For real.
I care about what people think about me. About what others are going through. About a lot of things actually.
I don't believe in myself at all.
And I'm weak and sensitive.

But it's good fooling people.
So when one day we'll have a huge fight that will cause our friendship to collapse, they can tell me nothing that will seriously bring me down.
And for that, I have to stop trusting people and opening myself to others.
Cause my close friends, or those that were till a few weeks ago, know the real me.
But I won't make the same mistake with the next bestfriends I'll have.
But I don't think that that'll be soon.
I'm planning my life for the next months to be:

1. Studying.
2. Going to the camera-person course.
3. Working. [Though I still have to find a job]
4. Reading.
5. Revising a story that I wrote about 2years ago.

Yeah, being a kind of loner I guess. Not that I mind, but I guess everyone needs some type of company sometimes.

Careless

I don't give a damn about them.
And they do neither give a damn about me.

Society

I hate society.
I'm not able to socialize.
I don't want to. People are too... woah. Too many negative adjectives to explain what people are.
Apart from the fact that I kind of think that I'm not good enough to be around them. Something like that.
And another sad thing?
From all the friends I have, there's only 1 person whom I don't feel shy doing a 1-to-1-conversation.
But, these last days I've noticed that we're not the same anymore, and I doubt we'll soon be again.
I had 2 other friends like that, [not shy when alone] but I don't see them a lot, so I end up feeling shy around them too when I see them. Plus that I can't trust 1 of them either.
I have a lot of those "Hi. Ok? Bye." friends, though lately I just smile at them cause most people are getting blah.
People are so complicated. They lie. Cheat.
That's too much for me.
I feel so lonely with no friends.
I trying being independent and mature, but I'm too sensitive for that, though I'm working for that too.
And another sad thing?
Whenever that 1 person doesn't go out, I usually don't either, cause when I do, no one really talks to me. Everyone's busy talking to their partner or their other friends. And I just walk alone, with my mobile pretending that I'm writing a message or something so that I don't look so weird.
Sometimes I sit there, noticing how people act, talk and the looks they make, and I wonder "Who are they? Were they always this difficult to understand? And so stiff? And everything?"

2 years ago, I fought with the best friend I had.
That stuck up blonde that thought she was so perfect because she was tall, yellow hair and big huge boobs.
She once told me that guys go out with me cause I have a nice character. And guess why they go out with her? Yes. Because she's pretty. That's what she said.
So yes, I had to fight with her cause she was breaking to pieces the little self-esteem I had left.
I think it's the bravest thing I've done in my entire life. Fighting with her I mean.
I had no other friends, cause I didn't want to like cheat on her.
So I ended up at home all summer.
And I swore that I would socialize more, so I would never end up like that again.
But, maybe the problem is that I'm growing wiser.
I can't trust anyone. NO ONE.
People don't have good intentions.
I don't know if I want too much from people or I just want what's mine.

I'm done.
I wasted a blog to write about something stupid.

Twilight

Today I saw Twilight; a movie that I wasn't really keen to see, and when my friends told me that we were going to watch it, I was like hoo fuckin ray.
But it turned out to be beautiful =0
I'm amazed myself, cause I don't really like vampires.
But this one.. oolalaaa
I wish I could find the kind of passion in a person the guy down here [Edward in the movie] has.
I mean I know it's just a movie, but still.
Movies really effect me.

I like no one.

These past few days:
I like no one that's part of my life right now.
Mostly my friends.
I haven't seen my best-friend for over a month.
And me and my other close friend... well, we're falling drastically apart.
The time when I had someone to confide in when I needed and had a shoulder to cry on when I wanted, finished.
Everyone disappeared. And it's not their fault.
I've become a loner, and for the first time in my life, I like it.
But at the same time, I hate that I like it.

I also haven't cried in a couple of days.
I force myself not to do so, and it's pretty hard when tears are rolling down and I want to stop crying.
And 2 tear-drops is all I get.
That's all I afford.
I don't want to be that overly-sensitive girl anymore.
It shows weakness. Something that I want to hide cause around others I have that tough attitude.
And if I want to be good in hiding it, I want to hide it around myself too.
But I wasn't always like this. This sensitive.
It started a couple of months ago, and I don't know why.
I hate it, and I'm actually doing something about it.

As regarding to the other resolutions?
I've almost done nothing of them.
I didn't start studying yet.
And I searched for a job in just one shop.
Blah.

But on the other hand, I'm spending a lot of time reading cause I've got 3 books to read and I really feel good about that. =]

Beauty is skin deep.

Some months ago, I saw this guy at school.
First, I got obsessed with his nose.
Weird I know.
But I've got something with guys' nose.
Then, the more I looked at him, I realised something.
His beauty is skin deep.

Today, I saw this other guy.
21 yrs.
Doesn't know what nationality means.
Doesn't have a telephone or a computer.
But he has 2 beautiful young girls.
And a girl friend.
Love.
That's what it's all about.
And again, the more I think of him, the more I realise that his beauty is skin deep.

No.
I don't like the guys, though they weren't ugly and all.
I'm into girls.
But today I realised something.
I've never seen a girl with that kind of beauty and fire.
Girls are just good for their physical beauty.
They've got nothing else to offer to the world.

One hell of a day.

Today is going to be a long day.
The plan?
1. Go to school and resign.
2. Go to the tattooist to take off my lip piercing.
3. Go to the city to search for a job.
4. Go to the airport to search for a job.
5. Go back to the city and buy a present [ear-rings] for my friend's birthday and a t-shirt for me.

And if no luck, I'll come back to my town and go to the pizzeria that opened here. But first I want to try at a shop or something like that.

Yes. I want to find a job at all costs.

Indifferent

I feel indifferent.
Well, more than usual.
In about 30 minutes I'm going out, and I don't really think that I'm going to take any notice of people.
Just smoking.

And I need to write as well.
But no inspiration.
I hate when that happens.
I feel useless.. more than usual.
Empty.
Sucker.

I'm just a plain sucker.

Wrong-ness

What's wrong with me?
New beggining, but still no sense.

Yesterday, I watched as some of my friends got drunk and cried for their past loves.
And I realized how lonely I feel.
And I silently cried for my past love too.
Lonely.
I was surrounded with like 10 people around me, but I still felt lonely and felt joy in smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka strawberry.
Nothing else.
What's my problem?

And I hate everything I've become.